Monday 1 June 2020 by Arabin Patson

Government facing record debts asks pension recipients to ignore those pesky doctors and just go mingle


old people can go out again

The government has asked the 2 million people it had previously deemed extremely vulnerable to COVID 19 to do their bit in helping the nation’s finances by leaving confinement because they’ve had a good innings but, you know, money’s tight at the moment.

Vera Tinnock, a spry octogenarian and Tory faithful, was one of many old people who were overjoyed at the news they could leave their home as they had been told it would be very helpful by “that nice man with the same hair as the neighbours sheepdog.”

She continued, “I do alright at home but I do miss my trips to the shops. And it’s just been so much doom and gloom on the telly. So I was really excited to learn everything was now safe and I could go out and hug my family and just get very close to others without having to worry.”

Under pressure from scientific advisors, the government has accepted that the easing of lockdown might bring about a very cost-effective second wave. Government spokesperson Simon Williams also paid tribute to the unpredictable longevity of the people it would soon allow back into the community.

He went on, “We are amazed at how the war generation just never seems to give up and just keeps on collecting pension payment after pension payment even as they go in and out of hospitals.

“However, everything comes to an end. It might be comforting in the near future if people focused a bit less on their Nan’s kindness or cake baking skills, and maybe try to remember her reaction when she learned her granddaughter was going out with an Asian fellow.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt!

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