Thursday 28 May 2020 by Arabin Patson

BBC announces plan to ensure Newsnight impartiality by replacing Emily Maitlis with Mark Francois


Mark Francois to present Newsnight

Following government complaints on the way Emily Maitlis introduced the Cummings affair on Newsnight, the BBC has reasserted its commitment to unbiased reporting and said that the flagship show would now be presented by Britain’s favourite Penfold cosplayer.

BBC News producer and lickspittle extraordinaire, Simon Williams, explained that it made perfect sense to put in a rabidly partisan presenter to counterbalance the terrible impression the Johnson administration gives at each new colossal fuck-up.

“Following a recent Newsnight special on Dominic Cummings, we were deluged by complaints from phones with withheld numbers and email addresses that all ended with a long string of numbers for some reason.

“We were contacted by Downing Street who put forward a very reasonable case about wanting to be able to present their side of the story without ever allowing a minister on the show to answer questions.

“After a prolonged discussion over the questions of impartiality, licence fee renewal and possible audits of the tax affairs of senior producers, we came to a mutual accord that incisive and well-informed journalists were a clear sign of anti-government bias.

“As their own actions always portrayed the current government as a bunch of incompetent chancers whose ineptitude was killing thousands, we saw the need to counterbalance this with someone so craven he would clap like a harp seal while Dominic Cummings spat in his face.”

Mr Williams explained that the choice of Mark Francois to brainlessly cheer on the government was an obvious one.

“As soon as we agreed reality was horribly biased we immediately knew that we had to find a witless toady of the worst sort.

“And they don’t come any more witless than Mark Francois.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt!

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