Lockdown has now lasted so long children could have put their shoes on twice

author avatar by 4 years ago

The UK has now been in lockdown for nearly nine weeks – twice as long as it takes for the average child to put their shoes on.

People are finding new ways of measuring time during lockdown, a strange period in our lives when hours and minutes seem to simultaneously contract and expand to the point of becoming meaningless.

“I’ve worked out that during lockdown I’ve said the phrase, ‘Harry, please put your shoes on’ a total of 181,440 times,” said father Simon Williams.

“That’s once every thirty seconds.

“During that time Harry has successfully completed the task twice. Although, credit where credit’s due, I’m talking about both feet.”

If you don’t fancy measuring time in units of ‘child putting their shoes on’, here are some alternative measurements by which to track the passage of the lockdown:

The number of times the bathroom has been cleaned: lockdown has been going on for 9 cleans if you’re a busy family of four, or 0.3 cleans if you’re a single man.

Incidence of masturbation: Taking the UK average, we’ve now been unable to go to the pub for 189 cheeky wanks.

Deliveroo delivery time: 1 unit exactly.

Going for a run count: This is an interesting one – time appears to have slowed down over time. The first half of lockdown lasted 8 runs, but the second half only 2.

Sleepless nights: Lockdown has lasted 120 units, which is weird as that’s nearly twice as many as actual nights.

Times Boris Johnson has inspired confidence in the nation by displaying strong leadership: Lockdown hasn’t actually started yet.