Saturday 23 May 2020 by Hannah Fox

Government confirms Dominic Cummings selflessly travelled length of the country during lockdown to help build the nation’s herd immunity


Dominic Cummings, lockdown

Downing Street advisor and national hero Dominic Cummings selflessly tried to spread Coronavirus to as many UK communities as possible during the peak of the outbreak, purely to ensure herd immunity was achieved as quickly as possible.

The news comes as Cummings is accused of breaking lockdown rules purely because they were a bit inconvenient.

A government source told us, “Dominic really outdid himself in the early days of the lockdown. As soon as he heard Boris had a sniffle he bolted out of Downing Street, not to save himself, which is what it certainly looked like, but to go home and pack his things for a herd immunity tour of the UK.

“London, Durham, Sheffield, he didn’t stop for a single moment. He made sure to stop at every petrol station he could find, and to spit on the petrol AND diesel pumps, and touch all the sandwiches in the shop bit. He even managed to leave a few Covid-infested Brexit leaflets next to the sweets.

“He eventually went and stayed with his parents for a while and encouraged them to look after his kids and do his shopping as they had a better chance of coming into contact with normal people, to ensure maximum spread.

“He wasn’t even bothered if his own high-risk parents died, that’s how selfless he really is. Just like he shouted in the Cobra meetings, ‘who gives a shiny shit if the old and vulnerable die?’

“Yes, of course Boris is trying to get him a knighthood.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt!

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