Friday 22 May 2020 by Mark Molloy

Concern as rate of biscuits eaten by home workers rises above ten per day for first time


Rate of biscuit consumption reaches ten

There are growing concerns today that the number of biscuits eaten by home workers and those currently furloughed by their employers has risen to dangerous levels with an average of 10.3 biscuits per person per day now being eaten.

As much of the nation continues to spend almost all their time at home either working, or just sitting around doing absolutely nothing, statistics have shown that rates of eating crap all day whilst drinking tea has risen to unprecedented levels as the lockdown continues.

Study leader Simon Williams explains “We have seen a marked increase in the number of biscuits people are eating on a daily basis as they continue to work from home, often close to a kettle and a large selection of shite to snack on whilst bored.

“Whilst initially the numbers were quite low, we have found that the longer people continue to be isolated in their houses, the more they are adopting complete disregard for their appearance and health, and are basically eating what they want, all day long.”

One such home worker Mark Stevens advised that the temptation is just too much, telling us, “I am bored shitless, to be honest.

“I just have a couple of custard cremes with my tea in the morning, and again at half ten, and with lunch, and maybe a digestive or two in the afternoon, it’s not an issue.

“And besides, it is an average figure we are looking at here, some greedy bastards have way more than ten per day to bring the average right up.

“I only have eight.”

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