Friday 22 May 2020 by Jeremy Fisher

Nicola Sturgeon confirms ‘Independence’ means copying England after a week or two


nicola sturgeon

After a fortnight of bad-mouthing Boris Johnson’s plans to restart life after the Coronvirus as being “far too soon”, Nicola Sturgeon has announced she’s going to do the same thing.

To make the move more painfully obvious she said people could start going out “with one member of another household, provided they socially distance.”

Simon McWilliams from Glasgow said, “Ach, that wee bastard flop-head is copying us!” but failed to explain why due to a fit of nationalism that saw him strip naked and rub a poster of Alex Salmond on his genitals.

“Nationalism is sexual assault,” he claimed. “We’ll fuck those English up the Jacksie!”

Insisting her plan was different, Nicola Sturgeon targeted schoolteachers by making them restart school in the middle of the summer holidays, rather than on the 1st June like their colleagues south of the border.

“Of course, schoolteachers have done no work at all while learning how to create online lessons and liaising with parents who can’t be bothered,” she said.

“Some of them even delivered food parcels to impoverished families. So, they’re responsible for Covid-19, see?.

“Infecting the poor is despicable. It’s only right teachers are forced to give back. After all, nobody clapped for teachers, did they?”

She went on to scream “It’s very different to what England is doing!” at Gavin Williamson over Zoom.

In response to a query, he agreed that “there’s no essential difference in our approach. I mean, nobody has the first fucking clue how to sort it, do they?”

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