Wednesday 20 May 2020 by Runi Talwar

Trump praised for uniting America as Democrats and Republicans both agree that he should be allowed to put his life in danger


Donald Trump to keep taking drugs

US President and owner of several top-quality bottles of Snake Oil, Donald Trump, is being hailed a ‘hero’ for his actions this week, after Democrats and Republicans across the political spectrum came together in agreement that Trump should be allowed to ingest whatever dangerous chemicals he wants.

The President made headlines earlier in the week after it was revealed he is taking the experimental, non-FDA approved drug hydroxychloroquine to ward against the coronavirus.

Despite there being zero evidence of the drug’s effectiveness, Mr Trump has been adamant that the ‘miracle drug’ has been the only reason he hasn’t caught the virus himself, and the fact that he has the best healthcare available to any single person on the planet was “a bonus”.

“I’m taking it because I’ve heard good things about it,” said Trump. “Such good things. I heard it can cure cancer – that’s a true story. I actually told the lab technician how they can make it even better, so it can cure everything. I did that. I did that for everyone.”

Despite an increasingly polarised political landscape, several top Democrats and Republicans have released statements today where they have categorically agreed that Trump should absolutely be allowed to ingest as many dangerous, untested chemicals as he wants.

“As a Republican, there is nothing more important to us than each individual’s personal freedom to blindly support Trump,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

“If the President says this drug will cure cancer, then I’ll give my butler cancer myself to prove that it can!

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, also released a statement.

“I’d like to commend Trump on his decision, and would like to remind him that he also once suggested we should all drink bleach, he might want to go back and look at that one too.”

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