Thursday 21 May 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Government pledges twenty new fund-raising pensioners to bolster NHS


old people fundraising for the NHS

With the NHS continuing to find itself under immense pressure from the pandemic, the Government has promised a boost to its funding.

Following Captain Tom’s heroic efforts, the government has announced a further twenty fund-raising twenty pensioners to bolster investment in the NHS.

“Obviously, we can’t fully fund the NHS through traditional means, because that would mean Tory-voters paying more tax,” explained Boris Johnson.

“So, instead we’ve got twenty pensioners lined up to perform a variety of heroic sponsored activities instead.”

Arthur Williams is a 102-year-old from Chelmsford, Essex.

“I’m going to row a boat across a lake,” he said.

“Please sponsor me, because if I don’t raise at least a million pounds Mr Johnson says he’s going to stamp on my dog and Johnny’s my only company these days. Everyone I grew up with is dead.”

Eleanor Gay is an octogenarian from Berwick-on-Tweed.

“Mr Johnson says I’ve got to swim in my local pool and if everyone donates enough money, he’ll give me my walking sticks back.

“Are there any swimming teachers reading this who can help me at all? Just a few pointers before I’m forced into a swimming pool for the first time in my life.”

Despite criticism, Boris remained bullish about his new fund-raising initiative for the NHS.

“I think it’s absolutely fantastic,” he chuckled to no-one in particular while addressing the press.

“I think with twenty fund-raising pensioners and a weekly Thursday clap, we’ve got the most comprehensive and coherent NHS policy of any Tory government in fifty years.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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