Thursday 21 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

‘Our naked, feral children will hunt, kill and eat teachers’ warn parents


Feral child returning to school

Mums and dads have spoken out about the dangers facing teachers if their wild, cannibalistic children are allowed back into schools.

The debate around how safe schools will actually be upon reopening mainly revolves around the transmission of Covid-19. But there is another deadly threat to the lives of teaching staff – the savage and uncontrollable kids.

“I think we’ve passed the point of no return now,” said father of two Simon Williams as a dart whittled out of a wooden building block flew inches past his left ear.

“The clothes were the first to go. I didn’t see any harm in it to be honest – if Jenny and Paul wanted to learn their phonics while naked then fine. As long as they were learning…

“Then they started refusing their meals, claiming they’d ‘already eaten’. This was around the time our neighbour Linda started putting notes through the door asking if we’d seen any of her cats.

“By the time Linda herself went missing it was too late.

“I haven’t actually seen my children for several days now – I think they’re living in the garden somewhere. I did pop out to ask if they wanted an ice-cream but I nearly fell into a spike pit, so now I just let them get on with it.

“I’d love the children to go back to school, for purely selfish reasons, but those poor teachers – how comprehensive is their survival training?”

Our interview with Simon was then interrupted by a long blow on a party horn, followed by a series of cries and howls.

“Come on, we need to keep moving,” said Simon. “They’re on the hunt…”

I survived homeschooling during lockdown 2020 – get the t-shirt!

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