Boris successfully completes PMQs without shitting pants

The Government has hailed this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions a success after Boris successfully made it through without shitting in his pants.

“This is a big win for Boris and the Government,” said the sort of morally bankrupt Tory gimp who is prepared to speak on the Government’s behalf.

“To make it through half an hour of being asked questions and expected to give coherent answers without filling his trousers is not something Boris has managed in the last few weeks.

“But this week, he did really well. I mean, he was evasive, and he often gave utterly incoherent answers, yes. But he didn’t shit himself. So that’s a big improvement.”

Apparently, there was a close call when questioned on contact-tracing.

“Yes, we knew that was coming. But still, when asked why there was still no effective contact-tracing despite having three months to get everything set up he let loose a strangulated and elongated fart, and I genuinely thought we were going to have to get the emergency laundry service involved again.

“Happily, Boris was able to recover himself and called upon his natural talents to respond by being vague and saying he was confident everything would be in place for June 1^st. Not that it would be in pace, but that he had ‘great confidence’ it would be.

“Like he had ‘great confidence’ in his first wedding vows. And the second wedding vows. And like he probably will in his third set of wedding vows.”

It is understood that, following this week’s success, next week the Prime Minister’s team will be targeting Boris completing PMQ’s without spending the rest of the afternoon crying in the toilet.

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the t-shirt here!