Why does no one want to download my COVID data gathering app, asks Dominic Cummings

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A man well-known for intrusive digital surveillance via surreptitious methods has been left baffled by the lack of public uptake in his new app, according to sources this morning.

The government’s Covid-19 tracking app has so far failed to acquire enough downloads to make the data meaningful, for either its primary, or secret secondary purpose.

“It’s true that I manipulated ‘big data’ that people didn’t realise they were giving to me in order to get Britain out of the EU,” explained the prime minister’s special advisor Dominic Cummings from his secret lair beneath the sea.

“But there’s no way an app with ‘NHS’ in the title could be evil. Even if it was designed to my specifications by my tech companies and circumvents most privacy laws by being ‘voluntary’.

“The fact that it’s not compatible with its European equivalents, or that any potentially useful data will end up in the hands of incompetent simpletons should not discourage people from participating either.”

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“It’s very simple to use,” explained app designer Simon Williams.

“First you enter your name, date of birth and geographical location. Then you will need to add your voting preferences, any Facebook groups you belong to and choose your favourite products from a list.

“Dominic’s face will then appear on the screen, looking like a cross between the mature student no-one wants to be friends with and a Disney baddie, and you will have to press ‘Submit’ several times to stop all of your contacts being deleted.

“Plus it texts you every 30 seconds so that you remain alert.”