Tuesday 19 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

Premier League return delayed over concern footballers too immature to social distance


Premier league footballers too immature to self-isolate

The planned return of top-flight football may be postponed due to fears that players will still eat each other’s lunch and lick their teammates’ faces.

Premier League fixtures are due to resume next month after a three-month hiatus.

However, experts are now suggesting that it’s too soon to put footballers together because they are simply too childish to understand the importance of social distancing.

Experienced Premier League manager Simon Williams described the difficulties of dealing with overpaid man-children during a pandemic.

“Two metres apart? Forget it!” he said. “If they’re not hugging and kissing then they’re fighting and spitting at each other.

“They also have a tendency to swap sandwiches and sleep with each other’s wives – hardly the behaviour we need to contain Covid-19.

“Another consideration is that it’s arguably cruel to show these lads to each other but then say ‘don’t stamp on each other’s Achilles’ tendons.’ I mean, they’re gonna get all upset aren’t they?

“As for rigorous personal hygiene, forget it! David Beckham may have been prolific at scoring from dead-ball situations but getting him to use soap after taking a shit was an impossibility.

“Many of the lads play this game in the showers – they wait until someone is washing their hair and has their eyes closed and then they secretly piss on their legs. Do you think these boys are really gonna ‘catch it, kill it, bin it?’

“There’s only one footballer I’ve encountered in my career who could be relied upon to avoid all physical contact with other players – Gary Lineker.

“But even he would go round sharing his crisps…”

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