Tuesday 19 May 2020 by Chris Ballard

People who smell bullshit need to self-isolate immediately, insists Boris Johnson


Boris Johnson urges people who can smell bullshit to self-isolate

The Prime Minister is keen to stop the spread of dangerous new symptom associated with the coronavirus – the realisation that everything that comes out of his mouth is bluster and bullshit.

A lack of smell and taste are now officially coronavirus symptoms. Boris Johnson would like to add another: the presence of a lingering smell of utter crap.

“It’s perfectly straightforward,” said Boris. “If you can’t smell anything at all, you may have coronavirus – self-isolate without hesitation.

“If you experience a strong smell of bullshit, you may have coronavirus – self-isolate without hesitation, turn off the tv, don’t use the Internet, become a recluse immediately.

“If you experience a total lack of smell at the exact same time as a smell of bullshit then please get in touch – you’re just the sort of mindbending genius we need to write our public guidance.”

Political Analyst Simon Williams looked into this latest information in more detail.

He went on, “It seems that the odour of large steaming piles of crap is likely to become particularly strong in the evening.

“In other words, approximately when the daily coronavirus briefings are taking place. The government says that if you experience these symptoms it’s vital you lock yourself indoors and cut off all communications with anyone else.

“As for other potential symptoms, people who voted for Boris in December may experience a bitter taste in the mouth to accompany their fever and shortness of breath. These individuals should also remain at home and probably unplug the wifi for safe measure.

“This new advice shows that Boris is obviously very keen to stop the spread of people who immediately recognise bullshit.

“However, he needs to make up his mind – does he want the UK to come out of lockdown or does he want the entire population to go into quarantine after hearing him speak?”

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