Former US Vice-President and current front-runner of the 2020 “Lesser Of Two Evils” award, Joe Biden, stunned supporters during a rally speech last night by vowing to bring “this Joe Biden fellow” to justice, after claims of sexual abuse surfaced last week against the candidate.
According to campaign insiders, the 77-year-old Biden had initially not planned to address the allegations – however, at the last minute, he forgot that they were against him, and thought it would be good opportunity to remind everyone how much he supports women.
“To all women out there, I say, I stand with you!” Biden told attendees at the height of his rally speech last night.
“I’m hearing news now of this ‘Joe Biden’ fellow and some of the horrible things he’s accused of doing. Once again, we are seeing a society where an old white man does something horrific and then gets everything he wants. As an old white man, I vow this will all change once I am elected President!
“I promise the American people tonight that if I am elected your President – I, Joe Biden, will bring Joe Biden to justice.”
It was a point Mr Biden came back to repeatedly over the course of his speech – at one point, addressing his own words in the past that you should “believe all women” when it comes to cases of sexual assault and accusations of abuse.
“I have always maintained that women should always be believed – whether they’re accusing a co-worker, a family member, or even a Presidential candidate that’s apparently your side’s only hope, like Donald Trump.
“We cannot go any longer living in a society where we have an alleged rapist in the highest office in the land. That’s not fair to the American people. The only thing I can even imagine that’s more unfair would be forcing them to pick between two alleged rapists – which would be utter malarkey!”
According to one insider, upon leaving the stage, Biden was reminded by his campaign staff that he was, in fact, Joe Biden, the man accused of sexual misconduct.
The former Vice President then reportedly told his staff that he was “pretty sure everyone understood that, when he said believe all women, he obviously meant not this one”.