Man trusted by Boris Johnson to use his common sense just arrived in A&E with shampoo bottle up his arse

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A man trusted by Boris Johnson to keep the nation safe by applying his ‘common sense’ is currently explaining to a triage nurse how he got a shampoo bottle up his arse.

Simon Williams, 35, drove himself to the hospital in some discomfort and is, at this very moment, trying to create a plausible narrative that doesn’t involve him deciding to put a shampoo bottle at least part of the way up his arse.

Meanwhile, the triage nurse is trying to remember as many details as she can, confident the encounter will provide an amusing anecdote to tell friends once the lockdown is over.

Williams told the nurse, “It’s not like this is a decision I have made and that has gone wrong in the worst way possible. I can be trusted to make good decisions, you can definitely trust me on that.

“This all happened while I was in the shower thinking of all the very good common-sense based decisions I was going to make today.  This most certainly was not one of them.

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“It’s just that without the cleaner coming, the shower tray probably isn’t as clean as it should be, and I slipped and fell right on top of the bottle.

“It was a million to once chance it would get stuck up there like that, but there are 70 million people in the UK so this sort of thing was definitely going to happen to someone, I’ve done the maths and that’s a fact – it’s just unfortunate it was me.

“Am I worried about Coronavirus? Nah, not at all. I read something on the Internet that says it’s basically just flu.

“I’ll be fine.”