Coronavirus tracing app will also monitor your tone of voice, confirms Matt Hancock

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The Coronavirus tracing app that is currently being trialled in the Isle of Wight has had a patch installed today that allows the software to also monitor the tone of voice used for any government criticism, it has emerged.

Fresh from telling a serving doctor to watch her tone when she politely asked him about PPE for hospital staff, Health Secretary and useless tit Matt Hancock told us, “The kind of aggressive, shrill, angry questioning that I suffered at the hands of that Labour bitch reminds me of when I was picked on in school for having ‘cock’ in my surname, and I simply won’t stand for it.

“I have issued a software update to allow the virus tracing app to record any negative comments on our handling on the Covid-19 crisis, and to send the address of any offenders directly to the police.”

He went on, “How am I supposed to pretend that I have even the slightest handle on this national emergency if people are constantly asking me difficult questions left, right and centre? If you have nothing nice to say about the job I’m doing, don’t say anything at all, that’s what I think.

“It’s also why I’m so reluctant to tell you the true figure of Covid-19 deaths. It’s not a nice number, put it that way.”

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MPs from all parties have today been issued with a reminder to ensure they watch their tone whenever they have cause to address the useless, dimwitted, snowflake of a Health Secretary.