As the UK reports the highest coronavirus death toll in Europe it only seems right for Boris Johnson’s preferred fact-sharing mechanism to be updated accordingly.
The Prime Minister has ordered a new red bus to mark the fact that his government’s incompetence has led to 30,000 coronavirus deaths in just ten weeks.
“This is quite a milestone,” said Boris. “It couldn’t have been done without the lack of skill and the complete inability of my government. I hope they won’t be too embarrassed when I say they are all operating at the very bottom of their game.
“Of course, I tried to lead by example by spending weeks doing absolutely nothing to protect the British people as the virus spread rapidly across the world.
“That’s right – nothing! Almost sounds unbelievable, doesn’t it? Until you remember that I’m in charge!
“Then we refused to join an EU scheme to source ventilators in order to save face after Brexit. Rest assured we will continue to get our priorities wrong and put political needs over human ones.
“Special shout out to Health Secretary Matt Hancock who failed to get any PPE for doctors and nurses on the frontline. If you can’t even get the basics right then welcome to my Cabinet!
“Granted, he didn’t achieve his stretch target of having hospitals without electricity and roofs, but it’s still early days.
“To think that we managed to fuck things up so colossally without even giving Chris Grayling a prominent role!
“Our place in the history books is assured!”
Boris personally took delivery of the new bus.
“Wait a minute – it’s blue and doesn’t have any wheels,” he said.