Tuesday 5 May 2020 by Arabin Patson

Boris Johnson announces phased return to work for saucy strumpets, game fillies and hot totty


Boris Johnson phased return to work

Benny Hill cosplayer and occasional prime minister, Boris Johnson, has explained his vision for a progressive end to the lockdown which would begin with bringing back some eye candy for gents whose current shag is being tetchy, and eventually moving to a full return of delightful young things who know a thing or two about discretion.

In a hastily arranged press conference, Johnson claimed a top pool of scientists has informed him it would soon be safe for Britain to roll up its sleeves and give the office skirt a friendly spank.

He went on, “No one understands more than me how hard confinement is and the anguish of wanting some rumpy-pumpy just to be told not to wake the baby. So I am delighted to announce that we will be slowly returning to work starting with those lovely interns with the tight tops.

“If all goes well, we can bring back the career climbers who know that a todger pic is a compliment and are happy to see that a pole dance is a good way to get government grants.

“Then we can even consider bringing back the shy chubby lasses who understand there’s no need to go blubbering to HR just because of a misunderstanding at the office party.”

The Prime Minister finished his address on a Churchillian note.

“My fellow Britons, it will take time but we will one day return to those halcyon days of saying goodbye in the morning to the wife and all her meds and going to the office to boff something young, tight and ambitious.

“You mark my words, by Christmas we will be impregnating friend’s wives and denying baby daughters like nothing had happened.”

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