Tuesday 5 May 2020 by Davywavy

Bank of Nook seeks 4.5bn Bell government bailout after ‘huge bet’ on turnip market goes wrong


Tom Nook demands bailout

The Bank of Nook is facing criticism today after it approached the government for a 4.5bn bell bailout due to ‘massively risky’ speculation in the tarantula and turnip futures markets going wrong.

Nookbank, which is based on an offshore island to avoid paying corporation taxes, is known for ‘predatory lending’ practises and has come under fire for operating a monopoly in the housing market on the island.

The Bank has also come under fire in recent days for dramatically cutting the interest it paid on accounts, blaming ‘time travel’ by unscrupulous customers.

“Time Travel my rear end, Tom Nook just doesn’t want to pay a bell more than he absolutely has to,” said Bank of Nook customer Simon Williams.

“I owe that racoon sociopath about a hundred grand for, like, some furniture – and if I don’t pay up it’s my kneecaps.”

“I’ll be fishing until the end of my days just to meet the interest payments, and then that bastard leveraged my debt and took out a huge short position in the tarantula futures market just before nightfall, whatever that means, and now he’s blown pretty much every penny the bank had.

“So, not only will I have to work to pay my debt, I’ll also no doubt be paying taxes to fund bailing out his position or the entire economy will collapse.

“I think I’d agree to this in return to being left alone in a locked room with Tom Nook and a length of knotted rope for about ten minutes.”

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