There is nothing Freudian about me calling my child ‘Penis Penis’, insists Boris

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The Prime Minister is today insisting that there is definitely nothing psychosexual about giving his child a phallic first name to go with the phallic family surname.

After announcing the name of his child with Carrie yesterday, Boris has responded to the inevitable resultant laughter, telling reporters, “Wilfred Lawrie Nicholas Johnson is a fine name for a proud, upstanding young man who will one day become one of the finest Prime Ministers this country has ever had, second to me of course.

“And the most amazing thing about the name – and I doubt anyone will have noticed this – is that the first name can be shortened to ‘willy’, which is a slang term for a johnson, which is a slang term for the male member, so that’s just a little subtle joke I decided to do to amuse myself and I think I got away with it.”

Laughing uproariously at his own wit, he continued, “But the penis thing wasn’t the reason I bestowed this splendid name upon the little lad. True, I love thinking about my penis, I thoroughly enjoy using the term ‘spaffing’, and I’m obsessed by getting as much rumpy-pumpy as I can, but in no way did this influence the naming of my child.”

He added, “It was between that and Wiff-Waff Johnson, after all.

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“And if he’s unhappy with the name later in life then he can bring it up with me in the annual telephone call I will have with him as I do with all my offspring.”