Boris Johnson ends lockdown with immediate effect after first full night spent with screaming baby

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Boris Johnson has dramatically ended all current lockdown rules with immediate effect this morning, after spending almost a full twenty-four hours stuck inside his home with his wife and a new screaming baby.

In what is clearly a massive u-turn by the Prime Minister from his recent statement outside Downing Street where he insisted that measures should not be relaxed, a tired and dishevelled looking Mr Johnson – even more than normal – told reporters this morning,  “Lockdown is cancelled. Fuck that. I just can’t do it any more. I need to get out of the house.

“It was OK when I was poorly in the hospital, or in my lovely country retreat at Chequers on my own watching Netflix all day and reading the paper, but there is no way I spend another full day stuck in the house with that bleeding noise, never mind another two weeks. I mean TWO WEEKS??

“I’m sorry, I know I kept saying ‘stay home, protect the NHS, save lives’ and all that, but that was when it was a really easy thing for me to do.

“Now I’ve got her home moaning all day about me not knowing how to do a nappy, and the baby screaming the place down for what appears to be no reason whatsoever, I think it’s the right time, for the good of the nation of course, to just call it all off.”

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Asked if he will be taking any paternity leave to spend time at home with his new family The PM told us “No”.