Thursday 30 April 2020 by Mark Molloy

Boris Johnson ends lockdown with immediate effect after first full night spent with screaming baby


Boris after one night with new baby

Boris Johnson has dramatically ended all current lockdown rules with immediate effect this morning, after spending almost a full twenty-four hours stuck inside his home with his wife and a new screaming baby.

In what is clearly a massive u-turn by the Prime Minister from his recent statement outside Downing Street where he insisted that measures should not be relaxed, a tired and dishevelled looking Mr Johnson – even more than normal – told reporters this morning,  “Lockdown is cancelled. Fuck that. I just can’t do it any more. I need to get out of the house.

“It was OK when I was poorly in the hospital, or in my lovely country retreat at Chequers on my own watching Netflix all day and reading the paper, but there is no way I spend another full day stuck in the house with that bleeding noise, never mind another two weeks. I mean TWO WEEKS??

“I’m sorry, I know I kept saying ‘stay home, protect the NHS, save lives’ and all that, but that was when it was a really easy thing for me to do.

“Now I’ve got her home moaning all day about me not knowing how to do a nappy, and the baby screaming the place down for what appears to be no reason whatsoever, I think it’s the right time, for the good of the nation of course, to just call it all off.”

Asked if he will be taking any paternity leave to spend time at home with his new family The PM told us “No”.

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