Friday 24 April 2020 by Pete Redfern

Public health backlash sees Donald Trump clarify ‘You must not share needles when injecting bleach’


Trump advises again sharing needles when injecting bleach

Americans who plan on injecting bleach into their bodies must remember to take appropriate safety precautions, President Trump has clarified today.

After being lambasted by the medical community for his unusual advice regarding a possible treatment for Coronavirus at his press conference yesterday, Donald Trump has today issued a point of clarity to ensure the population take care of their health whilst injecting neat bleach into their veins.

“I figured out the cure for the Covid-19 virus yesterday, and you’re welcome by the way,” he beamed to press at the White House this morning.

“Bleach kills it. Inject bleach – job done! But, and this is very important, you must never share needles. Needles can be good, especially when used to put bleach in your bodies, but if you start sharing them then they can be BAD.”

He explained, “You must use only one needle per person. And don’t throw it away – that is a waste. Just wash it out under a tap, dry it on a hand towel and then it’ll be ready to go for your next hourly bleach injection.

“Of you can inject the needle with bleach then it will be safe to use to inject the next person with bleach. That sounds like it might work.”

Pulling a handful of tablets out his pocket he added, “Hey, maybe we should just inject everything! If I crumble down these Adderalls they might fit up the needle and I can put it-”

At which point the live transmission abruptly ended and was replaced with a still saying FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT INJECT BLEACH.

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