Friday 24 April 2020 by Chris Ballard

Arseholes making their children wear school uniform at home


homeschool in uniform

A pair of absolute bellends insist that their kids wear their school uniforms while being homeschooled.

Educating your children at home while balancing work commitments is tough – frustrating, exhausting and stressful enough to make you long for the halcyon days of that two-hour commute where you don’t get out of second gear.

Parents are therefore trying to find innovative ways to make homeschooling a bit easier. Simon and Karen Williams have decided to be twats.

“Yeah, we make Adam and Elizabeth wear their uniform from nine in the morning until half three in the afternoon,” said Simon. “It gets them in ‘the zone’.

“I’m also referring to them as ‘Child 1’ and ‘Child 2’ in an attempt to completely suppress their individual personalities.

“After all, this isn’t about making learning fun and allowing our children to express themselves – it’s about making our own lives as easy as possible.”

Karen is in charge of bullying.

“Each morning we give Adam two pounds to buy his lunch,” she said. “At about eleven every day I punch him in the stomach and steal it from him.

“It’s actually a great way to get him to eat his tea as by the evening he’s always really hungry.

“Elizabeth is thirteen and responds better to a more psychological approach – snide comments about her weight gain, that sort of thing.

“Basically, we just try to make it as much like proper school as possible.

“Although after-school detention turned out to be a strategic mistake as I couldn’t start on the vino until half four.”

Simon and Karen’s son Adam said, “I don’t see why we have to wear full uniform when mum walks around in a bra and jogging bottoms and dad hasn’t showered for a week.”

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