Friday 24 April 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Priti Patel praises herself for month-on-month fall in knife-crime


Priti Patel on knife crime figures

Priti Patel, Home Secretary, part-time James Bond villain and definitely not an idiot, has given herself praise for the drop in knife crime over this past month.

Since March 23rd, knife crime has dropped considerably. Proof, says Patel, that her policies are working as there is no other reason that such a fall could have happened.

“A dramatic drop is what we’re seeing here. A dramatic drop,” said a hugely proud Patel beaming with that grin you’re all picturing right now.

“And that dramatic drop has come under my watch as Home Secretary. Which is proof that I am a hugely competent Home Secretary because there is no other explanation for it. None whatsoever.

“So, you know, you’re welcome.”

Respected reporter Jonathan King then asked if Ms Patel could expand on exactly what policies on knife crime she has implemented.

“What polices? For knife crime? Well, there’s been loads. Bloody loads, let me tell you. So many knife crime policies, because otherwise why would knife crime have gone down?”

Mr King then asked for specific examples.

“Well, there’s been my policy of saying knife crime is awful. Which I do. A lot.

“Then there’s that thing where I say I’m going to get tough on crime. I do that a lot as well, so I reckon that’s probably been a factor.

“And of course, I’ve promised to bring policing levels back up to nearly what they were when the Tories took over ten years ago.”

Mr King responded.

“But you haven’t actually implemented any actual policies yet. Any bills or laws or anything like that?” he asked.

There was a brief uncomfortable pause before Ms Patel responded.

“Knife crime! Down. Because I’m Home Secretary and for NO other reasons.”

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