Monday 2 March 2020 by Arabin Patson

Jubilant Boris Johnson looking forward to cheating on his future wife


Boris to cheat on his pregnant fiance

A beaming Prime Minister started his Cabinet meeting today by receiving congratulations from ministers for his upcoming wedding and birth of his latest child and took the time to tell friends he was very excited to start cheating on Carrie Symmonds as soon as she gets a bit bloaty.

Supporters of the Prime Minister such as Simone Williams, a columnist for the Daily Telegraph, said the news of the impending marriage and Boris Johnson’s inevitable subsequent infidelity was just what the nation needed.

“Everybody loves a celebrity wedding, even more so when they can look at the pregnant bride in the certainty that she will soon be discarded like a used wanksock that’s been chewed on by the dog.

“It will be amazing. All the right-wing A-listers will be there. Michael Caine, Cheryl Baker, Roy Chubby Brown and those people who present Countryfile. What glamour!

“Plus we can all look at any young women present and guess which one Boris is humping like a beached walrus while Carrie slowly realises he will treat her just like he treated his cancer-ridden wife when they first start shagging.”

Mrs Williams also hit back at accusations that the announcement was timed to take focus away from Priti Patel’s embattled tenure at the Home Office.

“That’s just nonsense. It’s obviously a couple in love who just wanted to share with the world the few weeks of happiness they have left before Boris thinks Carrie is getting too moody and that the 20-year-old intern from the Conservative Students Association looks rather saucy.

“I wonder if he’ll kick her out of number 10 or if he’ll let her stay until the child is weaned. It’s so exciting!”

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