Belgians demand return of Poirot as part of Brexit deal

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As the Greeks call for the Elgin marbles and the French demand the return of the body of Napoleon III as part of Brexit negotiations, Belgium has put forward a demand of their own.

“‘Ercule Poirot is one of ze most well-known – indeed to many people, ze only well-known Belgian,” explained Belgian criminologist Simone Guillaumes.

“Wiz ‘is egg-shaped ‘ead, immaculately groomed moustache and penchant for using ze leetle grey cells, ‘e is an important figure in our culture.”

Following an early career in the Brussels police, Poirot moved to England after the First World War, where he was instrumental in solving many cases that had baffled Scotland Yard’s finest.

After a long and successful career, Poirot died during the solving of what was to be his final, successful case. He is buried in Styles Court, Essex, the site of his first English success.

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But now the Belgians want to see him moved before agreeing to ratify any post-Brexit trade deal with the UK.

“Bien sur we do,” explained Guillaumes. “‘Is first cases were in Brussels. C’est insupportable zat ‘e should not return to ‘is native soil.”

Belgians were unimpressed by protests that Poirot was “a largely fictional creation,” pointing out that the same could apply to Greek claims to the Elgin marbles.