Tuesday 26 November 2019 by Arabin Patson

Lazy Brits tired of politicians only focusing on hard-working families


Lazy families left behind

UK workers are getting increasingly frustrated at political pledges aimed at hard-working families while ignoring the vast army of idlers, office faffers, malingerers and sickie-pulling skivers who form the bulk of the British workforce.

SW, a resentful clerical assistant who only does 35 minutes of real work in a week, was feeling abandoned by parties who forget that it was thanks to people like him that UK workers are some of the least productive in the OECD.

“I’m here every day when I can’t claim my back is acting up, and no one cares. Who will speak for millions of tea-quaffing drones who put up a spreadsheet on their screen to look busy then spend the whole day discussing shit telly programs?”

A spokesperson for the Labour party made no apologies for their Stakhanovite policy.

“Our party has always romanticised hard health-destroying jobs like mining. It’s true that most shit jobs are now in services but if one senescent fossil who reminds us of Fred Dibnah has a thing against foreigners, we will merrily toss away our internationalist principles and clap like seals at their racist tirades.”

A Tory press officer was more compliant and explained that references to hardworking families were standard rhetorical flourishes but that the Conservatives were the natural party of time-wasters.

They told us, “No one understands laziness better than us. Not one of our indolent Ministers has ever clocked into a normal job. Jacob Rees-Mogg can’t even sit up straight for more than an hour. The bone-idle are well represented in our party and our leader proves that.

“Even a casual glance at Boris records should reassure his fellow dossers that he by far is the most shiftless layabout ever to live at Number 10.”

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