Tories pledge to roll back Labour’s disastrous ten years of austerity

The Tories have pledged to bring an end to Labour’s crippling and unsuccessful ten-year programme of austerity.

Austerity, which took the form of massive cuts to public services and welfare for the poorest, is said to have led to hardship and even death.

The Tories slammed Labour for not doing more to end austerity and have pledged huge spending programmes.

“The Labour programme of austerity has been a disaster for this country,” said 1920s silent movie villain Jacob Rees-Mogg.

“Here in the Tory Party, we don’t hold with such damaging fiscal prudence and, frankly, the uncaring and hateful attitude of Labour towards the poorest people in society over the last ten years has been a complete scandal.”

Tory supporters agreed.

“I distinctly remember Labour bringing in austerity about ten years ago,” really called Simon Williams, a Tory supporter who does precisely as he’s told.

“As a Tory supporter, I was dead set against it – because that’s the sort of thing we all hate, right?

“Like most Tory supporters and, of course, everyone in the Tory party, I saw no need to eliminate the deficit and thought the best way to recover from the Labour recession was a programme of borrowing and spending.”

David Gauke and Ken Clarke were sceptical of rolling back austerity so quickly, but as they are not, and have never been in the Tory party, their opinions carry little weight.

Also, Oceania is at war with Eastasia.

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