Tuesday 22 October 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Boris successfully negotiates to buy mouldy old apple with a worm in for £200


Boris Johnson negotiates for manky old apple

The government has hailed Boris Johnson’s impressive negotiation techniques after it emerged that the Prime Minister had successfully negotiated with a supermarket to buy a mouldy old apple with a worm in for £200.

He reportedly struck the deal just prior to the supermarket closing after spending the day attempting to buy some fruit.

“It is tremendous news that Boris has managed to secure this apple, the nature of which is inconsequential, the important thing is that its some fruit,” said Michael Gove, a funny little man who lives under the stairs.

“He said he would get some fruit today, and he has got that fruit, and that’s all that matters and the only thing the voters should focus on.”

The supermarket staff were baffled by the Prime Minister’s actions.

“Strange,” confirmed Simon Williams, a nurse who has been forced to take on a second job in the last few years for some reason.

“He turned up when we opened this morning and demanded to take all our apples for free and then have us send him apples every day.

“So, we said no, we had a pretty good deal on apples and he could just pay for them like everyone else.

“Then he went away, and throughout the day we had various people come in and say that Boris had been saying we were a shit supermarket.”

Finally, the Prime Minister returned to the supermarket five minutes before closing time.

“It was just as we were pulling down the shutters, he picked up a mouldy old apple with a worm inside from under the display, gave me £200, and ran off shouting ‘it doesn’t matter, it’s an apple’.

“The whole thing just made no sense and you can’t help thinking that if he’d gone about everything a bit differently, he’d have a really nice bowl of fruit by now.”

After successfully securing the mouldy old apple with a worm in, it is understood that Boris Johnson will today pay £5 for something from the pound shop.

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