The dog which has been ‘rescued’ by Boris Johnson and whichever one is his current lover has begged to be put to sleep once and for all after realising who is responsible for looking after it.
According to Larry the Downing Street cat, the dog arrived shortly around lunchtime, full of joy at being rescued from a centre in Wales, only to discover that it is to be looked after by a man barely capable of dressing himself in the morning or being faithful to one woman for more than twenty minutes.
Larry told us, “Oh yeah, the dog was beaming when it arrived, it couldn’t have been happier. They brought it into the reception room at Number Ten, it bounded out of the carry cage and then was greeted by the sight of Boris and Carrie looking at it distastefully from a corner of the room.
“I had to explain to the poor thing that Boris and Carrie didn’t actually want it, and it was only there because a twat called Dominic Cummings insisted they get one to curry favour with voters. Apparently photos of him arriving in his carry bag could ‘move the needle in the important dog-loving demographic’.
“Being a cat, I normally couldn’t care less about the feelings of another animal, but I do feel a bit sorry for this dog. Must be terrible to realise that the person who is supposed to look after you is barely capable of remembering to pull their own trousers down before taking a shit, let alone care about canine welfare.”
Larry concluded, “I only stick around because I actually have a job to do – catching mice – plus I enjoy taking the occasional crap in Boris’s shoes.”