Monday 2 September 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Can’t you just get penis enlargement surgery, weary nation asks Boris


Nation wondering if Boris could just get penis enlargement surgery instead

As Boris Johnson overcompensates more and more for what must be a microscopic set of genitals, a weary country has requested that he just quietly has some sort of penis enlargement surgery and then starts acting like a normal human being.

“You don’t have to be Freud to see what’s going on here,” explained psychologist Eleanor Gay.

“Boris is constantly trying to prove what a big man he is by making grandiose threats against Europe, his party colleagues, and his girlfriend.

“He’s overcompensating. The man has clearly got a penis the size of a budgie’s tongue.”

Ms Gay went on to explain that many men behave in a similar manner.

“That man in the Audi hogging the middle lane? Tiny penis. The father shouting and swearing at the referee in his child’s football match? Tiny penis. Piers Morgan?…well, you get the picture.”

Although penis enlargement surgery could be a way to give Boris Johnson the confidence he needs to stop taking his insecurity out on the country, there are other options.

“I have a very small penis indeed,” explained Simon Williams, a total bastard and former CEO of something nonsensical in the financial industry.

“So, I went out and bought an enormous Harley Davidson, and now I no longer feel the need to shout and bluster and bully everyone in my life.

“If Boris is concerned about surgery then a huge motorbike is likely to make him feel better about having a tiny thimble between his legs.”

Despite the pleas, it is understood that Boris has no plans to seek any surgery as his friend Donald Trump has reportedly assured him that one and a half inches is perfectly normal.

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