Thursday 8 August 2019 by Neil Tollfree

Stare at seagulls to defeat them at chess, say scientists


seagull chess

For many years, humans have struggled to beat seagulls in a game of chess, but scientists now think they have the solution.

“If you stare into the eyes of a seagull, then it will become confused and lose any sense of an overall game-control strategy,” explained Simon Williams a ‘scientist’ who specialises in staring theory and seagulls.

“Within a few moves, the seagull will leave its king vulnerable and, most of the time, you’ll get checkmate shortly afterwards.”

It is thought that seagulls have evolved to become good at chess so they can show-off and get girlfriends.

“Female seagulls are genetically programmed to be impressed by displays of logic and strategy,” explained Doctor Williams.

“So, naturally, evolution has seen this talent for chess emerge in even the most stupid of seagulls.”

Despite having brains an eighth the size of a human, seagulls are widely considered to be the superior chess players, winning more games than they lose.

“It’s their mastery of the castling move that does it,” he continued.

“Most humans just don’t have the capacity to remember which rook you’re allowed to use and how far to move it.

“Evolution has programmed that information into a seagulls brain.”

However, with the new advice to stare into the eyes of seagulls, it seems their years of domination in chess is finally over.

Doctor Williams also had advice for preventing seagulls stealing your chips.

“Punch the fucker’s beak off.”

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