Thursday 8 August 2019 by Chris Ballard

Satire writer gives up on Ryanair jokes


Ryanair

A satire writer attempted to find humour in Ryanair’s latest disaster before realising they couldn’t really be arsed.

NewsThump contributor Simon Williams sat on the train, newspaper in hand, fully poised to turn the day’s headlines into comedy gold.

There were apparently micro pigs stranded on the moon. Simon scribbled in his notebook…

‘Old McDonald dies in cold vacuum of space trying to retrieve micro pigs’… ‘Old McDonald combats loss of EU subsidies by establishing pig farm on cheap moon land.’

Hmm, not really working. Probably not a big enough story to get people excited anyway.

Ah here we go, thought Simon – Ryanair pilots vote to strike.

People loved to hate Ryanair! It was right up there with other targets that caused suffering and despair, like the Tories or Trump or small children.

Simon started to brainstorm spoof headlines.

‘Ryanair pilots offered pay deal miles away from where they want to get to.’

‘Ryanair pilot strike to have no discernible impact on appalling service.’

‘Ryanair customers forced to pay extra to have a pilot.’

He stopped and looked out of the window. There was a plane in the sky – yes, a Ryanair flight. Probably on its descent into Gatwick, three days late, carrying passengers who thought they were going to Edinburgh for the festival.

Ha ha.

Simon sighed.

The truth was that Ryanair was such a long-established bastion of shocking customer service that there were no new angles to be found. Such consistent incompetence simply represented a permanent, stinking swamp of angry passengers, ruined holidays and unsympathetic staff.

The only thing left for the satire writer to say was to point out that there was nothing left to say.

“Ooh, hang on…” thought Simon.

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