Wednesday 31 July 2019 by Danny Walsh

Voldemort claims he is the least Muggle-ist person there is anywhere in the world


Voldemort speech on being pro-muggle

Lord Voldemort, once known as little Tom Riddle from the orphanage who liked to torture kids, has made a public statement claiming to love all Muggles, despite a long history of hate crimes against them.

The statement follows a lot of recent criticism for his openly hateful remarks towards public Muggle figures a few weeks ago, and again over the weekend.

“Look, I love Muggles okay. Everyone will tell you. I am the least Muggle-hating person there is anywhere in the world – in fact, my father was a Muggle,” explained He Who Was Until Recently Not Named Out Loud.

In the interests of balance, we must state that Lord Voldemort did, in fact, murder his Muggle father, crafting his first Horcrux in the process.

Most voters remain unconvinced by Voldemort’s statement regarding his attitude to Muggles, but his base continues to show support.

Voldemort follower Simon Williams told us, “I have no idea how the Loony Left can claim The Dark Lord is a Muggle-hater.

“I mean, just because he says he hates them, tortures them, feeds them to his snake, murders them, and wages all-out war on anybody who accepts them – does that make him a Muggle-hater?”

Another claimed that those insisting Voldemort is muggle-ist were only doing so for political reasons, not because they think it’s true.

“No-one does more for Muggles than Voldemort, so stop stamping on his Free Speech, you awful snowflakes!” screeched either Bellatrix Lestrange or Katie Hopkins, as by this stage it was uncertain who we were talking to.

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