Wednesday 31 July 2019 by Chris Ballard

Harry and Meghan to help save planet by only breeding two giant blood-sucking lizards


Harry and Meghan

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have pledged to do their bit to preserve humankind by creating no more than two vampiric, shape-shifting alien lizards.

Prince Harry has stated very clearly that due to his fears about the future of planet Earth he and his wife will be spawning just two of the secret humanoid lizards that help sustain the power structures of a capitalist oligarchy.

“Since little Archie hatched I’ve become very concerned about the future of the human race,” explained Harry. “He just drinks so much blood, it can’t possibly be sustainable.

“And then I look around at my giant-lizard cousins and see all the evil things they do to keep the ordinary man and woman from realising what’s going on.

“Like creating ‘Love Island’ to numb people’s brains and stave off a revolution.

“So Meghan will only be laying two of them. Maximum.”

It’s a well-known fact that most of the public don’t believe the lizard conspiracy because they are encouraged to become obsessed with popular culture like soap operas and video games.

Harry’s recent comments that the popular game ‘Fortnite’ should be banned due to its addictive nature are further evidence of him going off-script.

“What the hell is he playing at?” asked Fortnite creator and fellow giant shape-shifting lizard Simon Williams.

“Getting an entire generation addicted to a silly game was the whole point! We don’t want young people to start worrying about inequality and stuff. That would be disastrous!”

The Queen is not happy about her grandson’s rogue behaviour.

“Rargh, ach, flergh, griisss,” she said.

Though it was first thing in the morning and she hadn’t yet put her face on.

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