Boris Johnson puts ‘I will not call a general election’ on the side of a bus

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As part of an effort to reassure the public about the stability of his government, Boris Johnson has commissioned a series of adverts to be put on buses explaining that he gives his personal promise he will not call a snap election before Britain leaves the EU.

Members of Johnson’s cabinet repeated this theme as they toured areas that just happened to be marginal constituencies. As confirmed by Simon Williams MP, the junior minister for Sports and Culture.

“We are not going to call a general election. Boris looked me in the eye and gave me his word in the same tone he gave it to his wife when they got married. He even told me he would lie down in front of the polling stations should it come to it.

“What we are certainly not starting is an undeclared electoral campaign masterminded by arch-cunt Dominic Cummings.

“No, we’re just giving a massive bung to areas where the Brexit party could split our vote. We’re certainly not hiring 20 000 coppers because the tabloids have got every old duffer convinced that every burglary in the country is Sadiq Khan’s fault.”

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Mr Williams also told NewsThump’s correspondent that a recent social media ad blitz was unworthy of attention.

“Millions of targeted Facebook ads, you say? That’s just concerned parties using opaque financing and a series of shell tech companies to flood the Internet with messages of support customised to an individual profile based on data gathered without consent. There is nothing suspicious about that.

“Frankly, you’re rather distrusting for a debt-free vegan rugby fan who’s learning Italian and watches spanking porn.”