Labour finally unveils how they will snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in 2019

author avatar by 5 years ago

As the Tory leadership contest presents a choice between a dullard who is hated by everyone in the NHS and an imbecile who is seen as a pantomime act, Labour has decided to show the nation how they will still manage to lose to whatever utter prick ends up in Number 10.

At a packed press event on Saturday, Labour’s Head of Political Strategy, Simon Williams, explained the multifaceted approach his party would take to somehow stay in opposition despite the Tories openly stating they now love domestic violence.

He told us, “We are not taking our future humiliation for granted. So Jeremy has once again pissed off all the pro-Europeans in the country by accepting that most Labour members were for Remain, but then saying he still wants to run it by his union mates. Because, unlike his party faithful, he gives a shit about their opinion.

“The other lynchpin of our tactic is, of course, Jew-bashing. Showing the world that blaming accusations of anti-Semitism on a Jewish conspiracy is a lesser crime in our eyes than telling people you voted LibDem in the European elections. That brilliantly conceded the moral high ground to two arseholes whose racist utterances would have got them sacked from any other job than MP.”

Mr Williams was adamant this approach would see Labour remain in opposition for at least a decade.

He went on, “We’ve been vindicated of late by a poll that shows Jeremy could lose Islington North. Can you imagine if an opposition leader actually lost his seat? We would be writing history!

“No, of course we are not going to try and get elected. That would be blatant Blairism.”