A new YouGov survey on the political priorities of Conservative party members showed that a majority of them would be happy to see Britain become a dystopian hellhole if it meant their grandchildren would stop ignoring them on social media and in real life.
Simon Williams, a retired real estate agent from Derby and chairman of his local Conservative party, confirmed that nearly every political opinion he had was designed to get his relatives to pay attention to him.
“All I want is for them to sit in a circle around me and listen in awe as I tell my stories, just like I did with my Grandad. Granted he’d fought alongside T.E Lawrence in World War 1 whereas I sold office space in the East Midlands, but I still think I deserve it.
“But those little bastards won’t even respond to the super important emails I forward warning them about ISIS lacing marijuana with cyanide.
“So I thought that after I voted for Leave they would respond to my rants about getting over it, if only to call me a prejudiced wanker. But nothing! Not even when I posted that hilarious gif of Farage as a Dambuster.”
Mr WIlliams now believes a No Deal Brexit is the only way he will finally get his relatives to see him as a wise patriarch.
“I reckon if we utterly fuck up the economy, the food shortages would bring them to appreciate us more, if only because – like all old people – we have loads of tins of corned beef. So naturally, I’m backing Boris.
“Please stay a little longer. I’ll say something racist if that’s what you’re looking for.”