Instead of further Tory leadership votes can we have a Thunderdome, asks everyone

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In the wake of yet further rounds of voting to determine the next prime minister and leader of the Conservative party, the nation has asked that the idea be dropped altogether and replaced by a one-off Thunderdome contest.

“It’s pretty clear that no-one is keen on the current format,” said political commentator Simon Williams.

“Boris clearly doesn’t want to debate Michael Gove. Jeremy hunt can’t debate anyone, and Sajid Javid is seemingly only taking part as a way of reminding everyone who he is.

“So how about we just stick them in a big scaffolding cage with a bunch of axes and swords and settle it that way?

“At least we’d definitely end up with a leader who really wants it. I mean, you have to ask, is a political opportunist like Boris really willing to risk having an axe lodged deep in his spine just to get a promotion? I doubt it.”

Focus groups have responded well to the suggestion, with a mocked-up image of Michael Gove being chased around by a large fat man in a gimp mask with a chainsaw – or Boris as he’s better known – gaining over 97% in approval ratings.

Bookies have already begun offering odds on the outcome.

“Jeremy Hunt looks like he might be a scrapper, with a wiry Kung-Fu strength,” said a spokesman from Ladbrokes.

“But you can’t rule out Boris going bugnuts with a whopping great mallet by channelling his inner Bullingdon Club member. It’s probably too close to call.”

We asked Number 10 for comment and were told that the Theresa May was happy to see her party engage in such an event, and that she’d be delighted to see Boris Johnson’s head on a pike.