The frontrunner to become the next Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has hit back against accusations that he had no policies, beyond a tax cut for himself, by promising that every British home, no matter how remote, will soon be able to discreetly arrange extramarital affairs through specialised websites.
As Mr Johnson is currently not allowed within 200 yards of journalists, it was left to his spokesman, Simon Williams, to explain the policy.
“The media paint Boris as a one trick pony with no policy interest beyond making his own life better. But he is genuinely shocked that, in 2019, some parts of the UK do not have a reliable electronic way to find sexual partners who understand that marriage is a subjective concept and not to make a fuss about trivial things like an unwanted child.
“Boris promises that all the money he will gain by giving people like him a nice tax cut will go into rolling out high-speed broadband for every household by 2025, and he promises to personally get behind the bulldozers.”
Mr Williams explained that emphasizing broadband’s potential to facilitate adultery was Boris Johnson’s way of guaranteeing the project.
“Boris’ opponents have made great hay about his tendency to promise things and not deliver – like blowing £43 million on a stupid garden bridge that was never built. But people know that if there’s one thing he takes seriously, it’s shagging away while his partner is humiliated in the national press.
“Boris believes that fathering a child, that you then refuse to acknowledge, should not be the preserve of middle-class men in big cities.
“An online love rat in every hamlet. That’s a Johnson promise!”