If I become prime minister all good guys will carry massive knives, says Jeremy Hunt

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After endorsing President Trump’s view of London as a hotbed of uncontrolled knife crime, Jeremy Hunt has outlined how he would tackle the issue if he wins the Tory leadership contest – all good guys will be allowed, maybe even forced, to carry big fuck-off knives.

Jeremy Hunt, a man so successful in business that he decided to move into politics and help destroy the NHS, said yesterday that he agrees with the sentiment of Donald Trump’s attack on London mayor Sadiq Khan i.e. that Khan has completely failed to tackle knife crime.

“This isn’t rocket science,” said Hunt. “It isn’t even brain surgery.

“Everyone knows the famous scene in ‘Crocodile Dundee’ where a potential victim of knife crime thwarts an attacker by producing an even bigger blade.

“That film came out 33 years ago but we still haven’t implemented the ‘good guy with a knife’ policy that the movie so clearly shows works. It’s madness.

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“You’re five times more likely to fall under the knife on a London pavement as you are on an NHS waiting list. That’s a fact.

“If all decent men and women walked Britain’s streets with huge machetes concealed up their sleeves or hidden in their handbags then knife crime wouldn’t be a problem. It would just go away.

“Look to America and the wonders Trump has worked by relaxing gun laws. Nobody gets stabbed over there.

“Ooh, now there’s a thought…”

As he is surrounded by Tory MPs, Hunt is expected to eventually get knocked out of the leadership contest after being, ironically, stabbed in the back.