Wednesday 5 June 2019 by Rhydderch Wilson

Scientists finally identify mystery ‘other planet’ inhabited by the Daily Mail


Daily Mail on another planet

Scientists have revealed they might have finally answered the questions, “What planet is the Daily Mail on?”

It is a question thousands of people find themselves asking every single day when thumbing through the latest issue of the Daily Mail, and now it seems that’s Britain’s boffins may have discovered the answer.

“It’s a very exciting discovery,” explained Simon Williams, Professor of Newspaper Astronomy at Peckham University.

“Of course, we’ve all believed that for some time that the Daily Mail occupies a different reality to the rest of us, so it’s a great relief to finally be able to identify it, and confirm it’s not the same as our own.”

So what exactly have the scientists found?

Williams went on, “It is, of course, a gas giant type planet and we’ve named it The Past.

“It lies in the very outer reaches of the cosmos, somewhere between Queen Victoria, Nazi Germany and an episode of Ms Marple.”

And what is the Daily Mail’s planet actually like?

He continued, “It’s a very strange environment. For a start, the atmosphere is entirely rose-tinted. On The Past, Margaret Thatcher is Empress of Britain’s colonies, immigration causes cancer and women don’t sunbathe, they flaunt their curves.”

And what about the beings who live on this planet?

Williams concluded, “They are not like the rest of us. They live in a constant state of apoplexy, always looking for people to send back or for nonsensical health scares. And their knees are permanently jerking in reaction to things. Most curious.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader) – get the t-shirt!

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