Monday 20 May 2019 by Arabin Patson

Britain once again crowned champion at grinning through a humiliating Eurovision defeat


Nerds celebrating eurovision defeat

For the fourth time in Eurovision’s history, the UK has shown that it is still the very best in the world at smiling awkwardly while presenters loudly announce that 42 judges have declared it utterly shit at singing.

Although Britain has long given up any hope of winning the highly camp singing contest, it has not failed to deliver an uninspired singer who can look whimsical while the world confirms they are less appealing than a bald OAP from San Marino that sang ‘Na Na Na’.

Simon Williams, the UK’s song producer for Eurovision, has maintained that it was a source of great pride that the nation who spawned the Beatles can’t make a better pop song than Icelandic teenagers in bondage gear.

“Once again the media tries to talk down our performance. We are a nation of music lovers that churns out talent and hits every day. Do you know how hard it is to find a team so utterly talentless we can’t beat countries whose capitals are tie-breaker questions in a pub quiz?”

Mr Williams angrily denied that Britain’s sinking status in the world due to Brexit was a contributing factor.

“Nonsense! We have been embarrassing the nation with piss poor performances since the days of Gina G.

“Remember Gemini? Even Austria could never produce something that horrifyingly wank. We are by far the most consistent producers of utterly joyless crap music in Europe.

“Kids all over the Balkans admire us and practice our signature move of holding back the tears as we are made a global byword for dour mediocrity.

“We even scored nul points in 2003. Take that, France!”

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