Boris Johnson, MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip and former comedy Foreign Secretary, has launched his bid for the Conservative Party leadership by pledging to boost NHS funding by £350 million a week if he wins.
Johnson, real name Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, made the announcement in front of a large red bus emblazoned with the slogan: “It worked before. It’ll work again.”
The move comes in the wake of Theresa May’s decision to stand down from the post by the end of June.
“The NHS is an institution cherished by every British citizen, and if I am elected leader I vow to do everything in my power to ensure that it continues to thrive,” he said with his fingers firmly crossed behind his back.
But surely he’s made this promise before, during the EU referendum campaign?
“Yes,” he scoffed as his bow tie began to spin around, “and it worked out so well last time that I’d be a fool not to do it again.”
Pausing for a moment to squirt water out of a flower on his lapel, he continued: “If there’s one thing politics has taught me, it’s this: the plebs will believe anything if it’s written in big enough letters.”
But how can he be certain that the electorate will fall for this a second time?
“I’ve reneged on just about every promise I’ve ever made since entering politics,” explained Johnson, physical age 54, “Like when I said I’d oppose the third runway at Heathrow and then didn’t even bother to turn up for the vote. And look! I’m still here! Can you believe it?”
So, if he wins, will there be any extra money at all for the NHS?
“For the what?” he asked before walking off and slipping on a banana skin.