Moon astronauts will be self-employed and have to provide their own rockets, says Jeff Bezos

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The boss of Amazon has reassured shareholders that his vision to return men to the moon will not usher in new humane HR procedures for the global delivery giant, as astronauts will be considered contractors and have to bring their own oxygen.

Although the company will ‘lend’ aspiring space pioneers a lander, they will be responsible for escaping earth’s gravity and will not be entitled to any sick leave or holiday, Mr Bezos told investors at a press event this morning.

Bezos told investors, “I am from a generation that was inspired by the exploits of Buzz Aldrin, Neil Armstrong and that other one. The description of how they pissed in special bottles in their spacesuits has shaped my view of work management forever.

“But times have changed and the new moon landings must use the latest innovations. Gone are the wasteful days where astronauts could sit around and do nothing on NASA’s dime.

“The 21st century will not see huge sums wasted in returning the Apollo 13 capsules just because their kids are cute. Our spacefarers will see their time optimized to the second. Awaiting liftoff? They can take some customer calls. Launch window closed because of weather? Off to the warehouse they go.”

Mr Bezos was keen to point out that Amazon was funding the development of new lander technologies at great cost.

He went on, “Aren’t you glad I saved all that money on tax? Governments of the world wanted to take our hard earned money and spend it on nonsense like roads or disease prevention. Thankfully, we have managed to hide enough revenue that we can afford to spend billions of dollars emulating my childhood heroes.

“That’s all for today. I’m off to set fire to brand new Porsches in front of some homeless people. Care to join?”