Man who has been a full-time MEP for the last 20 years ‘returns to politics’

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Nigel Farage has launched his new Brexit Party’s European election campaign as his return to front-line politics – despite being paid as a full-time MEP for the last 20 years.

The former UKIP leader claimed he had not wanted to re-enter politics, which came as a surprise to people who voted for him in previous EU elections and those who pay his wages, who had assumed he had never left it.

An EU insider told reporters, “We knew Mr Farage’s attendance and voting record on behalf of his constituents were both piss poor – but we had assumed that while he was being handsomely paid to represent their interests he might at least consider himself to be ‘in politics’.

“Alas no. It’s almost as if he’s a double-talking charlatan who will say whatever he needs to in order to generate rabble-rousing headlines and get on TV, even if it’s complete nonsense and demonstrably false.

“That said, we are quite confident that Britons would never actually vote for someone like that in an elec…. Oh.”

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Farage is expected to spend most of his European election campaign sounding outwardly plausible and adopting his most convincing ‘man-of-the-people’ voice, all while dog-whistling closet racists and doing nothing to put them straight when they conveniently blame ‘foreigners’ for all of Britain’s current ills.

A source close to the Brexit Party told us, “People have swallowed this toxic shit for the last decade, so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

“And if it is broke, just blame the Eastern Europeans.”