In an attempt to bridge the deep divide over Brexit and an eventual second vote, Jeremy Corbyn has decreed that the Labour Party will release a choose-your-own-adventure manifesto, ensuring all of Britain’s warring political tribes can find an outcome they like.
Simon Williams, head of political strategy for Jeremy Corbyn, was adamant that this innovative approach was exactly what could bring back the country together.
“We have had enough division. There is no need for remainers to go on Twitter and call Jeremy a useless relic of the seventies that thinks everyone should make their own yoghurt.
“Are you someone who desperately wants a people’s vote? Well, choose your pages wisely and our manifesto will allow you to find that we unequivocally commit our party to a second referendum. And you’ll only have to talk to Keir Starmer, Andrew Adonis or Tom Watson. Vote for Labour, a truly European party!”
Mr Williams also addressed leave voters in the Labour heartlands.
“But what if you are you tired of being ignored by the elites in London? Are you one of those who feels abandoned by the Westminster insiders who will stop at nothing to thwart the will of the people? Well, follow your instincts and your choice of pages will reveal that our manifesto will be based on taking our country back.
“We will be firmly committed to delivering the result of the 2016 referendum. Once free of the shackles of the EU’s free-market ideology, we can build a socialist Britain where we can nationalise everything and bring back the coal pits where your dad worked. British jobs for British workers!
“If you have doubts on any of these please direct your questions to Len McCluskey, John McDonnell or any other elderly labour grandees that look like they would prefer a holiday in Blackpool over somewhere nice like Puglia.
“And now everyone is happy and can stop calling us a bunch of spineless dithering wankers.”