Tuesday 30 April 2019 by Chris Ballard

Japan’s emperor to abdicate after discovering he’s been naked for last 30 years


Woman peeking through fingers

The Japanese emperor is to stand down after unwittingly spending the last three decades stark bollock naked.

Eighty-five-year-old Akihito is to become the first Japanese emperor to voluntarily relinquish the throne since 1817.

Officially citing age-related ill health, the truth is that he’s incredibly embarrassed after finding out his new super-lightweight clothes didn’t actually exist.

Emperor Akihito’s reign has been marked by his positive interactions with people suffering from disease and disaster.

“I always felt blessed that I could walk into a terrible situation of suffering and despair and instantly cheer people up,” he said.

“Now I know it was because I was flapping my wang around and showing everyone my wrinkly arse.”

The emperor became aware of his nakedness when a small boy, unaware of the strict etiquette associated with addressing the emperor, shouted, “That man’s got no clothes on!”

“In that moment it all became clear,” said Akihito. “How I used to complain to my acolytes that I had terrible circulation and was cold all the time, how everyone seemed awkward in my presence yet always maintained perfect eye contact…

“How I’m completely naked in the throne room portrait. I thought it was just art; they’re obsessed with willies and boobs aren’t they?

“What a fool I’ve been. A freezing, naked fool.”

Meanwhile in the UK Prince Charles has been following the story in Japan with great interest.

“Look at this interesting piece in the newspaper, the Japanese emperor has abdicated because he’s getting old,” he told his mother.

“Isn’t that interesting?”

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