A man deliberately spoiling the most anticipated film of the last ten years is doing so out of sheer loneliness and pent up sexual frustration, according to reports this afternoon.
Simon Williams, a 29-year-old call centre worker who believes Ben Shapiro might be onto something, sat at his computer shortly after the film’s release and posted all of the major plot points on social media.
“Yeah, have that,” chuckled Simon Williams, before his laughter turned to tears upon reading another message from a woman which simply read “please don’t contact me again”.
“Fucking bitch…” said Simon, wiping the tears away.
“Anyway, yeah, you lot are stupid for loving something so much…what is love anyway? I dunno. I’ve…I’ve never felt it…SHUT UP! Have your spoilers. ████████ dies. HA! Not so smug now are you? Going to the cinema and probably having sex with each other afterwards…fuck you. Fuck… fuck all of you.”