Tuesday 23 April 2019 by Lucas Wilde

“You can have plastic straws if we can hammer one up your nostril and leave the rest in your house”


plastic straws

McDonald’s are willing to compromise on their straws.

After 15,000 self-centred wankers signed a petition demanding that the non-recyclable, plastic straws return in place of the new paper ones, the fast food giant was willing to compromise.

“It’s pretty simple,” said McDonald’s CEO, Simon Williams, brandishing a hammer.

“You want your nasty straws back? You have to earn them. You have to show you’re willing to pay the same price as a sea turtle.”

“This straw is about six inches long, and I’m going to hammer it all the way up your nose. Then you have to go home and have loads of them floating in your bath water. Fair’s fair.”

“There’s 15,000 of you and 657,000,000 of our straws were thrown away last year, so you can have 43,800 dirty straws each- or 42,799 after the one that I will personally hammer into your face.”

“Being generous and assuming you cretins have a bath once a week, that’s 824 straws each bathtime. Lovely!”

“Anyway, enough chit-chat. Who’s first? It’s hammer time!”

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